The conversation was quick and felt unimportant. But it wasn’t. It was one of the most important things another human would say to me. “Your breasts will get engorged. Just wear a tight bra and use ice packs.” That was the end of the nonchalant statement. It was lost in the other discharge instructions that included choosing a funeral home for our child we wouldn’t be going home with. The reality was, engorged was an understatement. It was painful and so incredibly emotional. Why didn’t my body know we had failed? Why was it betraying me by making milk for a child we didn’t need to feed? The following days were spent doing all the things that my mom, sisters and Google had to offer about halting milk production. I smelled like cabbage and breast milk and spent hours alone in a cold shower to ease the pain and slow production. Breastfeeding had always been important to me, and I dreamed of the day when I would get those precious bonding moments with my son, nourishing him from my body. Sustaining his life with my own. But now, it was (literally) a painful reminder, that I could never do that for him. Never have those moments in the middle of the night, when I was the only one who could quiet his cries. After a few days of drinking the bitter herbal teas and doing all the things, I was desperate for something else to guide me. So, I did what any practical modern mother would do, and I turned to my local mommy Facebook group for guidance.
I was looking for something. I think a part of me knew what, but my conscious mind did not. Then, within a few hours, my answer came in the form of another nonchalant comment. This one, was the other part of that “not-important-but-important” conversation that was started in that hospital room a few days prior. Another mother commented, that she knew it wasn’t for everyone but had I thought about milk donation? The light went on, and I felt a little seed of hope was planted. The milk bank she recommended was Mother’s Milk Bank, and they answered on the first ring. My wary questions and nervous energy were met with kindness, patience and the answer to my prayers. They gave me the permission to follow what my heart was telling me, and to honor my son in a beautiful way, that only I could do. I would donate his milk to another baby, maybe one who was struggling in the ICU and who wasn’t ready to be called home yet. I would be able to give another mother a sigh of relief that her baby was getting what she maybe couldn’t give them. Maybe also having those feelings of body betrayal. I could make a positive impact and honor my son’s life.
After a short discussion with my husband, we knew that this was the path for us. My sister swapped my tea to Mother’s Milk, gave me a bowl of oatmeal and threw away the cabbage. And so, started my journey of milk donation. I had a new mission. A new reason for getting out of bed. A sprout of this growing need to honor my son. I spent the next month, pumping every 3-4 hours and taking the moments alone to process and heal. Tears of cathartic release running down my cheeks as I imagined Greyson looking down and saying, “good job mommy”. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful and healing experiences of my life. Was I still a wreck? Yes. Did I still have moments where I didn’t think I could take another breath from missing my son? Absolutely. But, it helped. All because one mom had the courage to say “have you thought about it?”.
Mother’s Milk Bank is the oldest non-profit milk bank in North America. Founded in 1974 and licensed in 1986, they are dedicated to making sure that medically vulnerable babies in 80% of the NICU’s in California and other Western states, including Hawaii and Alaska, have access to safe human milk.1. Human milk is scientifically proven to be best for babies to foster a nutrient rich start to their lives. Affiliated with Human Milk Banking Association of North America (HMBANA), they provide safe and pasteurized milk that is in accordance with the FDA food processing requirements1. For more on donating or being a milk recipient, please visit https://mothersmilk.org/
References
Making breast milk available to as many families as possible! Mothers’ Milk Bank. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://mothersmilk.org/
My first pump attempt
My first full bag!!
By the end, my little milk factory was in full swing
This was just the freezer door worth of milk I had stored up. In total, I ended up donating 108oz of breast milk to The Mother’s Milk Bank in honor of my little nugget.
On November 5th, 2021 , my life changed forever. That is the day that I became the mommy to an angel. That is the day that a hole was made in my heart that will never be filled. That hole belongs to Greyson Myles. My 28 week old chubby cheeked baby boy who’s heart stopped beating before I could hold him in my arms. I spent 2 days in induced labor before I finally got to touch him and kiss his beautiful face. November 7th, 2021 at 9:10pm, my little angel made his way into mommy and daddy’s arms. In the following 12 hours after his delivery, we got to hold him, dress him and love on him.
After they took him away, decisions had to be made. What would we do with his body? We chose not to bury him. We wanted him at home with us where we could tell him everyday how much we love him and where he could be in light instead of darkness. We didn’t want to have to take a trip to the cemetery or have “visiting hours” of when we could see him. So, we had him cremated and brought him home with us.
To say that this little man was loved and made an impact on many people’s lives, is an understatement. If you’re asking yourself, “how in the world can a 7 month old baby who hasn’t even been born yet, have an impact on anyone other than his parents?”, then you haven’t been touched by an angel baby yet. I can appreciate, that the love for a baby stems a lot from the love of the parents, and I am fortunate to say, we have been blessed by so many loving people in our lives, but I think Greyson was also more than that. He was given a mission to touch lives without even being born. What a monumental task! But he went right to work and boy, did he crush it. He touched so many people’s lives without even taking one breath. How lucky am I to have a son who could take on such a challenge?! He is one special boy, with a light that will shine forever.
In the days that followed, our family was on standby and at the ready to come to a funeral for our son. But, we were not ready. I also thought, do people have funerals for unborn babies? I did some research, and it seemed like the answer was, no. Wanting to have one, made me feel like I was being “extra”. So, we brought him home and started the navigation of the long days ahead, one at a time. But, as his due date drew closer, it was weighing so heavily on my heart, that we needed to celebrate him, the job he was given by God, and the sacrifices he made for Richard and I. I’m sure you have many questions about that statement, but that, is for another day.
So, I set out to plan a funeral for my 28 week old son on his due date, January 30th, 2022. Naturally, in this day and age, I turned to the internet. The blogs and WikiHow articles were all for children who had lived. “Pick their favorite colors”, and “pick their favorite toys”. But my son didn’t have any of those. I felt discouraged and again, a little “extra”. But, I pushed through, because I knew my son deserved it, no matter how old he was, or wasn’t. So, I started with the one thing I knew he liked. SUGAR!! I was never one for a lot of sweets. That is, until I got pregnant with Greyson. His love for sweets, spilled over into my blood and it became our new favorite food group. I know, that had he been born, I would have had many struggles with him and his sweet tooth. “Just one more donut mommy!”
“One of the best ways to celebrate something, is by eating a donut”
There is this place in Redondo Beach, called Moon Donuts. If you have a sweet tooth and a little extra money in the bank, it is a must try. They go all out with their donuts and are worth every pretty penny you spend there. So, donuts and milk made it on the menu. What little boy doesn’t like donuts??
Next on the menu, was Kinder Joy eggs! I thought he would get a kick out of these. Not only does it have candy, but it also comes with little toys in each egg! A little toy for a little nugget 🙂
Kinder Joy eggs in the bottom right corner
The next item was a little bit for me. I used to love candy necklaces as a little girl, so I wanted to share that with him. How can you go wrong with wearable candy?! It’s a fashion statement and it’s sugar! So you never have to come down from your sugar high. Just take a nibble as your sugar levels drop! Genius.
With the snacky snacks covered, now I had to decide how we were going to honor him. My first gut instinct was to do a balloon release. It’s beautiful and we’ve all seen it done a thousand times. But….the more I thought about it, the louder my inner hippie (Janis) got, telling me that releasing a bunch of balloons next to the ocean, was probably not the best idea I ever had. Maybe killing a bunch of sea turtles isn’t the best way to honor my son. Since we knew we wanted the ceremony at the beach, I now had to come up with other ideas that were environmentally friendly.
Speaking of Janis, it’s time for a hippication on balloon releases, in case you were still pondering the idea. There are actually laws against it in California….
(d) No person or group shall release, outdoors, balloons made of electrically conductive material and filled with a gas lighter than air, as part of a public or civic event, promotional activity, or product advertisement.
(e) Any person who violates subdivision (a), (b), (c), or (d) shall be guilty of an infraction punishable by a fine not exceeding one hundred dollars ($100). Any person who violates subdivision (a), (b), (c), or (d) who has been previously convicted twice of violating subdivision (a), (b), (c), or (d) shall be guilty of a misdemeanor.
balloonsblow.org
And while I do realize that this law is mainly for helium filled mylar type balloons, Newton also taught us, that what goes up, must come down. So common sense will tell you, that even latex balloons filled with air, are probably not the best idea. During my research, some people said, do it, but do it in an area where you can see it pop and come down and clean it up. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Best to just pick an alternative. But if you are still set on doing a balloon release, liveabout.com offers this advice….
Try to find and use fully biodegradable balloons.
Make sure balloons are air-filled.
Hand-tie the balloons.
Do not use plastic disks, attachments, or ribbon or string. Biodegradable cotton string and thin raffia ribbon can still get tangled up in trees and utility lines and harm wildlife.
liveabout.com
Thanks Janis. Ok, back to the program. So, with a balloon release off the table, momma had to think of something else. We decided on a couple options to have at the service, so everyone could choose what they felt was the best way to say goodbye to our son. We had bubbles, sticks to write in the sand, and water soluble dissolvable paper.
Me and my niece blowing bubbles in the wind
One way we feel like our son speaks to us, is through the wind. Any time we are doing something for him, like his gender reveal or his memorial, or there’s a time we think he is excited, like when we got married, it is always very very windy. We have this wind chime that a dear friend gave to us on our balcony, that has his name engraved on it, and sometimes, it chimes without any wind at all. We feel like he is with us. You will often hear at our house, when the chimes are steadily ringing, “Greyson is singing to us!”. So of course, that day, it was windy. We watched the bubbles blow down the beach and out of sight. Since that day, my niece has enjoyed blowing bubbles on the balcony with her cousin Greyson. I think this would have been a favorite activity of theirs.
We got these bubbles from Amazon. It was hard to find a decent amount. Most of the sets were like 50+ count. We didn’t need that many, so this was next best thing and only $10.84. They blew good bubbles and I liked that they didn’t have an obvious wedding theme. It still has a “love knot” on the top, but most of the other ones I found had hearts and bells and what not. These worked perfect for us.
My niece writing notes to her cousin in the sand
For those that wanted to write messages in the sand, we chose to have a cup of sticks on the table. I wanted something nice looking that fit the theme, but also didn’t want to have to go out in the neighborhood looking for random sticks. Plus, then sometimes when real sticks get wet, they get soggy and break or whatever. So we decided to go with these sturdy sticks.
Wilton 8-inch White Treat Sticks from Walmart
There were only 25 in a pack, and only cost us $1.98. Plus, they were made out of paper and biodegradable, so Janis approved.
Lastly, and probably the most popular memorial item was the water soluble dissolving paper. We got the paper on Amazon and were just blown away at how cool this paper was. It was easy to write on, and literally dissolved within 15 seconds of being in the water. No turtles were hurt in the making of this memorial!!! Definitely Janis approved.
Everyone who was a part of Greyson’s memorial, either in person or virtually, was encouraged to write out a message to Greyson to be released into the water and washed away by the waves. My sister was able to muster the strength to write out all the messages that were sent in by friends and family. I’ll forever be grateful to her for doing that. I would not have been able to do it. Although, my husband and I, did read every one of them before releasing them into the water. The love for this kid was palpable that day, and every word and prayer for him is etched in my heart forever.
Richard on the phone with Nana, releasing her note to baby Greyson
I had my mom prepare and read some scriptures from the Bible and say a prayer with the group. She did an amazing job, and I’m blessed to have another strong female in my life that supported us that day. If I ever doubt where my strength comes from, I have just to look at them to find my answer. My husband, Richard, also said a short thank you to our family and friends. And although I didn’t think I could speak, I did. I drew from the strength of the people around me and was able to tell him how much I loved him and thank our families for fervently loving him along side us.
And of course, the memorial wouldn’t be complete without the guest of honor himself. We packed up our boy and brought him to the beach with us for his special day. I created a memorial table next to the snack table, and it came out better than I had imagined.
I had some board pictures printed at a nearby CVS off of their phone app. It was ready same day. They were a little grainy because of the picture quality, but it still looked just fine. Our cousin brought a beautiful flower arrangement and a teddy to add to the table. We included his sloth blanky, that his dad and I bought him when we found out we were pregnant. My favorite book that I would have read to him a million times, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. A candle, that actually stayed lit despite the wind. And last but not least, some stretchy gooey alligators, that his little cousin picked out. She said he would have “LOVED” them, but there’s a piece of me that thinks she just wanted them to play with. Lol. I placed it all on the blanket that we wrapped him in in the hospital.
From the beginning of this process until the end, I was unsure of how this was supposed to go. After all, I had never planned something like this before. But, by the grace of God, some amazing family and friends and love guiding the way, we pulled it off, and I wouldn’t have chosen for this to go any other way. It was a beautiful day to remember a special little boy. A day to send our immense love for him radiating up to the heavens. And a day of closure. Our sons rambunctious palpable spirit rested that day. We still very much feel his presence daily, but it is calmer now. I think all of our hearts needed that. So no matter what age your little one was, or was not, and no matter how “extra” you or someone else makes you feel, do what is right in your heart. You will never regret loving on your baby.
If you have found this blog post helpful, I just want to tell you that I am so very sorry and my heart is heavy for you. May our angel babies find each other on the playground in heaven and may you eventually find peace and healing. And just remember, you my love, are the mother of all mothers.
Janet & Co. 